by Jo Collins Mathis
In Jim Carrey's new movie, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," two heartbroken, mismatched lovers hire a company to wipe out all memory of each other so they can finally be free to move on.
Is that not seductive? Imagine having the ability to instantly cut the attachments that at one time or another have kept each of us obsessing over someone we couldn't have; or had and lost; or need to cut loose, but can't.
Simmering heartache/longing/regret/confusion is not only emotional torture, it's a gross waste of time. Or is it?
Laurie Krauth, a psychotherapist in Ann Arbor specializing in relationships, anxiety and trauma, says that while it would be nice to press a button and obliterate all the pain, you just might emerge better prepared for a healthier relationship the next time round.
"You can't get to the other side of heartache without going through it," says Krauth. "It's agonizing, whether it's the end of a 40-year marriage or a teenage romance. But you have to honor the pain."
The following notion might be just enough to get some sorry self up off the couch: Krauth says sometimes it's what the relationship offered, not the person, that you miss.
Think about it. Is it really your ex- you miss? Or the security of having someone around? Maybe you don't miss him so much as someone to go out with on Saturday night. Krauth suggests you try duplicating those things on your own, or with others. Join a contra dance, where you don't need a partner.
It seems to me there's no better way to get over one person than to find yourself a better one. So what about dating?
Krauth says it's good to quickly find people and activities that meet your need for social connections, but not to start dating until you've stopped obsessing over the other person. (Would you want to be with someone who can't stop thinking about someone else?) Some people live to regret rebounding into a new relationship because they didn't take the time to figure out what went wrong with the old one.
Here's a way many find to move from sad to mad to glad-to-be-rid-of-him: Make a list of your ex's worst traits and read them again and again until you've convinced yourself that no one in her right mind would want - much less obsess over - a lazy, self-centered, mama's boyish, stoop-shouldered, pessimistic, no-good, beer-bellied, moody creep who couldn't even name his congressman.
If your ex- has made it clear it's absolutely no-doubt-about-it over, it's best to back off, Krauth says. That means not to call, e-mail, drive by her house, ask a coworker if she's seeing anybody, or pretend to bump into her at Kroger after stalking her all evening.
Krauth says sometimes a woman angry at being "dumped" keeps contacting her ex because she doesn't want him to "get off easy."
"She ends up being the one who suffers the most from prolonging the intense focus on him," she says. "Letting go, even forgiving - while not forgetting - frees her most of all."
And remember: When time has finally lessened the loss, and you can honestly wonder what you ever saw in him in the first place, you'll be glad you got out with your dignity intact.
There will always be those gawd-awful moments when a memory-zapping operation sounds good. But pain is the price we pay for opening ourselves up to love. And, for the most part, isn't it worth it?
Is that not seductive? Imagine having the ability to instantly cut the attachments that at one time or another have kept each of us obsessing over someone we couldn't have; or had and lost; or need to cut loose, but can't.
Simmering heartache/longing/regret/confusion is not only emotional torture, it's a gross waste of time. Or is it?
Laurie Krauth, a psychotherapist in Ann Arbor specializing in relationships, anxiety and trauma, says that while it would be nice to press a button and obliterate all the pain, you just might emerge better prepared for a healthier relationship the next time round.
"You can't get to the other side of heartache without going through it," says Krauth. "It's agonizing, whether it's the end of a 40-year marriage or a teenage romance. But you have to honor the pain."
The following notion might be just enough to get some sorry self up off the couch: Krauth says sometimes it's what the relationship offered, not the person, that you miss.
Think about it. Is it really your ex- you miss? Or the security of having someone around? Maybe you don't miss him so much as someone to go out with on Saturday night. Krauth suggests you try duplicating those things on your own, or with others. Join a contra dance, where you don't need a partner.
It seems to me there's no better way to get over one person than to find yourself a better one. So what about dating?
Krauth says it's good to quickly find people and activities that meet your need for social connections, but not to start dating until you've stopped obsessing over the other person. (Would you want to be with someone who can't stop thinking about someone else?) Some people live to regret rebounding into a new relationship because they didn't take the time to figure out what went wrong with the old one.
Here's a way many find to move from sad to mad to glad-to-be-rid-of-him: Make a list of your ex's worst traits and read them again and again until you've convinced yourself that no one in her right mind would want - much less obsess over - a lazy, self-centered, mama's boyish, stoop-shouldered, pessimistic, no-good, beer-bellied, moody creep who couldn't even name his congressman.
If your ex- has made it clear it's absolutely no-doubt-about-it over, it's best to back off, Krauth says. That means not to call, e-mail, drive by her house, ask a coworker if she's seeing anybody, or pretend to bump into her at Kroger after stalking her all evening.
Krauth says sometimes a woman angry at being "dumped" keeps contacting her ex because she doesn't want him to "get off easy."
"She ends up being the one who suffers the most from prolonging the intense focus on him," she says. "Letting go, even forgiving - while not forgetting - frees her most of all."
And remember: When time has finally lessened the loss, and you can honestly wonder what you ever saw in him in the first place, you'll be glad you got out with your dignity intact.
There will always be those gawd-awful moments when a memory-zapping operation sounds good. But pain is the price we pay for opening ourselves up to love. And, for the most part, isn't it worth it?
